Here’s where I think my frustration lies:

For all appearances, it may look like I’ve chosen career over family (or a relationship). I spend my day at the computer and on the phone. I project plan, tell other people what to do, do what other people tell me to do, etc. I am not supporting a husband or raising kids. In fact, I would most likely give a blank stare if asked a question about child behavior or how many ounces are in a cup.

I have not chosen the career path. It is the path that has been chosen for me (for now?). I’m pursuing it because it’s what is in front of me. It’s what I’ve been called to do.

But is the career path something I will just “throw off” as soon as the right guy comes along and the kids show up? I think not. Shouldn’t what I do now comprise of WHO I am? What I was designed to do? I don’t think what God has gifted me to do will completely stop (or be considered irrelevant) when family comes along. Family should be incorporated into what God has called me to do. And what I’ve been called to do will rightly and beautifully fit with what my husband will be called to do. Together we will more effectively do work in God’s Kingdom. Together we will more effectively do what He’s called us to do. But for now, what I’m called to do is better done as a single. And that’s a good thing. It’s exciting.

So I may look like the career woman, the feminist, the “I control my own life and I’m doing with it what I want.” But that is a superficial and incorrect assumption of who I am. I am a woman of God, daughter of the King, serving in His kingdom, doing this job at hand to the best of my ability, until I’m called to the next job. I live not for myself – I was created by Him and for Him and to serve in His kingdom – single or married.

Singleness seems to be a curse or ailment in our current culture. The culture seems to be centered around couples and twos. But what if singleness is not a curse? Or an ailment? What if it is more like an outfit or uniform? Something that is worn for a season for a particular job/task/work and later on exchanged for the outfit of marriage? Later exchanged when we are then better suited for serving God alongside someone else rather than with Him alone.

Carrying this thought further, the outfit doesn’t define us, it is merely ornamental or functional. Our identity is in who we are as a person, not in our outfit; in our personhood, not our relational status. I am kmac if I wear jeans and mud boots or if I wear a skirt and heels (that is not a parallel comparison between singleness and marriage, so don’t even get started down that path).

“kmac, you have work to do for Me, and this work is better done with you being single than with you being married. So get busy, get to work, complete the job at hand and trust Me with the rest. When you complete this task, you’ll be ready for the next. And I’ll supply the perfect outfit for the job to be done.”

A series of annoying thoughts (and recognizing that I may be doing the get-too-personal-on-my-blog thing)…

• I’m wondering (and frustrated) about this apparent fork in the road somewhere back in time for me.
• Does the fork in the road back then necessarily preclude me from meeting/seeing my match now?
• Another annoying thought: “why bother with the career and education if all you were designed to do was raise kids and make meals?”
• And if all a woman was designed to do is have/raise kids, I guess that means I’ve missed out, am missing out on what I was designed to do? Like my life doesn’t start until I get married? Something about this doesn’t add up.
• Yet another nagging thought: “am I too far down the career path?” Aren’t a lot of guys turned off from the “career woman”? Are they going to be intimidated that I have a good career, that I have a master’s degree (almost), that I love the world of business and see it as my field of missions? That I don’t equate marriage with the beginning of a meaningful life?
• Was the Proverbs 31 woman’s husband intimidated by her business(es), her people management, her involvement in the community? Did she struggle with fitting into cultural expectations?
• Oh – and just how does one balance young kids and career simultaneously? I have yet to see both done well. I tend to think that at least for a time the outside-the-home vocation must be shelved for a time while the kids are tiny-small-medium sized.
• Are my struggles unique? weird? a turn-off?
• And is it really a fork in the road? Or do I have the wrong model in my head?

So readers, forgive my random ramblings that edge toward the cheesy. Running the race…

I think I’m frustrated that there seems to be an antithesis, or at least significant tension, between pursuing the career while also desiring to be a wife and mom. The two just don’t seem to fit together.

The season/path I am in/on is the career. I have been given and taken career opportunities and there are bound to be new ones in the future. I am pursuing them with everything in me.

But during my pursuit, I can’t help but think that I met a fork in the road somewhere back there between career and family and (not really out of choice) I’m running down the first. All the while I run down the career path I have lingering (and sometimes annoying) thoughts that this path isn’t compatible to what is expected of a Christian-thirty-something woman. Shouldn’t I be at home with kids making dinner for the husband when he gets home from work? Or something like that…?

I look around and… there’s my computer (and Mr. Darcy). There is a job, a career, a boss to work for, and projects to complete.

I recently heard that singles should run hard toward the opportunities that God has given them and utilize their singleness for His Kingdom as effectively as they can. And if they look over and see that person running alongside them down the same path, they should get married. I like this.

So in the midst of my frustrated thoughts, I’ll keep running. As I run, I’ll pray for clarity and resolution for my frustrated thoughts and throw expectations to the wind. And let God prompt me to look left or right in His timing.